Born Again Dreamer

[What If I Wanted To Break]

I tripped, I know it,
but I don't remember where.
I stumbled and tumbled,
yet some how didn't care.
While falling, confused,
I lost touch with everything.
As the ground, approached,
I wondered what it'd bring.
I've landed, still startled,
in a place to build again.
Finally finished, repenting,
for each and every sin.
The linger, of past lives,
I cannot seem to shake.
So with these, old ghosts,
My new life I will make.

True Hope
C&H Fight
Its only as big as the effort we put forth: Hope, that lazy beast of a feeling; It sits and waits and ponders, so conceited that it thinks only of it self. Hope likes to hope, it is the perpetual cycle of what if. What a beautiful thing, like the oceans, contained within themselves. Some could argue Love is much like hope, embodied amongst it self, but this is wrong, to have love is to know fear, to know joy, to know the egotistical emotion of hope. Glorious it is, to have hope. I'd no longer go without it as I'd advise someone to have it, its vicious, cruel, and uncertain; Yet still, it can fill the body, soul, and mind with a feeling that can change nations. Oh self loving hope, please, under the burden of all of those who embrace you, give us your transformation. Give us that which we crave most, for your self centered form to give way to what we all pray for you to be: Truth.

Hope, the only feeling you can have that applies to it self. The next time you hope that hope will mature into truth, remember one thing. We give hope its wings, don't let it fly off with your truth. There is magic all around us, if your hope curls up and dissolves into the dark corpse of disappointment, let truth remind you of the glory you have around you.

The Silent Things That No One Ever Knows
C&H Fight
Like a decommissioned toy, I feel just like a boy, discarded and lost, I guess I've paid the cost.

4 Minutes and Counting
C&H Fight
I shutter, I fall, as if I've stumbled from the grave
I cringe, the carnage, I wish I could be brave
The future, the past, the trickling of time
That forces, the tricks me, into forcing out my rhyme
No wonder, the people, they never show respect
The reasons, my loved ones, are what I must protect
These time frames, they dwindle, and are almost at an end
I wonder, why word are, my enemy and friend.

Thoughts on Pride and Proof.
C&H Fight
The integrity of man is two fold, his Pride and his Proof. The first part: Pride, is composed of the internal image of self and comparison to others. The second part: Proof, is composed of the follow through one has for the Pride they portray. A large contributory factor to pride it seems, is the proximity to those an individual looks up to. I believe that the reason these relationships develop is through a dominance in the area of Pride. If one individual seems to hold a stronger Pride in the same general context as the "follower" it creates a desire to boast ones own inner image to compensate.

Its a complexity I see all to often in tight nit male communities. I believe this can also be related to an occurrence of gangs/violent activity among communities that are less educated. I believe that critical thinking, while not a cure, can suppress the natural tendency to make such attachments. I feel that even the educated, wage pride fueled confrontations. Its all about the breed of arrogance, intellectual or physical. I'm intrigued to see how hard it is to extract ones self out of these habits, additionally Im curious to see how when more closely observed and not participating in, these habits evolve in others.

Friends can teach you a lot about yourself. I'll have to put more of this into thought, refine the idea.

Anxious Ideas Fester into Irrational Fears
C&H Fight
I haven't written in so long, even after so many promises and devotions to it. I end up leaving my ideas and thoughts in a bleak shed in the corner of my mind to wither and fade away. To say I haven't been enjoying life would be an utter lie, but to say I feel something is missing and that the contrast that brings has swayed me from feeling fulfilled would be all to true. I've been trying to keep my life even keel, not letting it sway to hard either way. This has caused the waters of many passions to subside into choppy, unenthusiastic waters.

Life has been treating me well though, regardless of my hum-drum attitude. I have a roof over my head, I'm getting an education, and I'm not dying of any chronic conditions. In many ways, I'd say that it self is an accomplishment. Though like I used to always say, to each person their own life is the greatest drama, tragedy, romance, and comedy. Nothing plays more true to home than what we, ourselves bring to the table.

I find myself feeling passive, I'm unaware of it's direct cause. I feel it could have something to do with past guilt, what I've done to others, those I've loved, the expectations I never lived up to, just everything. I used to live my life in a way that none of that caught up with me for long. When someone learns to lie, the first thing they do is lie to themselves. Brutal honesty has found its way to me before, I've lost best friends, loved ones, and just about anybody I was close to because of my old ways.

I do feel I've honestly changed, and though its been put on by others, I feel the change has been for myself. I want to be someone that has the ability to have dignity in myself. A sense of pride. Right now I feel I lack that Pride standing up to those in my life, I'm unaware if I'm scared of losing them, that unless I passively just accept what they have to say or do they will leave. Regardless of the reason I feel it can't go on for much longer. I'll have to put the waters to the test and speak my mind. Life is to preciously short to just surrender it. I've come to a point in life though, where I don't feel like anyone needs me.

I guess its just an overcast friday morning, I'm tired, the world has yet bloomed today, so I sit in the bud of the morning sulking about things that inevitably will melt away with my ever changing mood. I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh Bear. At least that made me laugh to myself.

"Beauty is the end Stevo, the end"

I Love This Term.... BUT.....
C&H Fight
This was the homework I just finished. Granted its not due for another 2 weeks, but seriously....

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Danger, Danger, I've Began to Grow Up.....
C&H Fight
The world is absolutely filled with surprises. For the last 6 months I've been struggling to keep my head above water, fearfully thrashing against the flow of life. I was in well over my head, with to much pride to save my own skin. I was a practiced screw up, some would agree borderline professional, so for pride sake I couldn't give up. I don't know how I came out of this last term ahead, or at least alive. I can spot a miracle when I see one, this new setup, less classes, new major; I love it all. I'm finally ahead of class in my homework studies, I work enough to get some income, but not enough to make me dread work. Things are just alright, and though many people have helped me get here, I feel this last stretch was really pulled off by me.

It's amazing how for the longest time I was afraid to actually set foot in the world by doing anything for myself. I've been homeless, I've been at the bottom of the food chain, but when you have potential it's a whole new ball game, you're the prey of life waiting to defend against the predators of failure.

I've been discovering simple happinesses too lately, the little things in life that keep you amazed at living. They are all together a blessing in themselves, I try and shake of the nihilistic fears that so easily seep in and having these micro-inspirations are just the cure I was looking for.

Well this morning is just getting started, much adventure awaits me.

Dear Booger
C&H Fight
You make me happy sometimes, and thats when things are nice. Thanks. :)

C&H Fight
I want to write, I just don't have the energy, or the will.


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