- Anxious Ideas Fester into Irrational Fears
- June 10th, 2011
I haven't written in so long, even after so many promises and devotions to it. I end up leaving my ideas and thoughts in a bleak shed in the corner of my mind to wither and fade away. To say I haven't been enjoying life would be an utter lie, but to say I feel something is missing and that the contrast that brings has swayed me from feeling fulfilled would be all to true. I've been trying to keep my life even keel, not letting it sway to hard either way. This has caused the waters of many passions to subside into choppy, unenthusiastic waters."Beauty is the end Stevo, the end"
Life has been treating me well though, regardless of my hum-drum attitude. I have a roof over my head, I'm getting an education, and I'm not dying of any chronic conditions. In many ways, I'd say that it self is an accomplishment. Though like I used to always say, to each person their own life is the greatest drama, tragedy, romance, and comedy. Nothing plays more true to home than what we, ourselves bring to the table.
I find myself feeling passive, I'm unaware of it's direct cause. I feel it could have something to do with past guilt, what I've done to others, those I've loved, the expectations I never lived up to, just everything. I used to live my life in a way that none of that caught up with me for long. When someone learns to lie, the first thing they do is lie to themselves. Brutal honesty has found its way to me before, I've lost best friends, loved ones, and just about anybody I was close to because of my old ways.
I do feel I've honestly changed, and though its been put on by others, I feel the change has been for myself. I want to be someone that has the ability to have dignity in myself. A sense of pride. Right now I feel I lack that Pride standing up to those in my life, I'm unaware if I'm scared of losing them, that unless I passively just accept what they have to say or do they will leave. Regardless of the reason I feel it can't go on for much longer. I'll have to put the waters to the test and speak my mind. Life is to preciously short to just surrender it. I've come to a point in life though, where I don't feel like anyone needs me.
I guess its just an overcast friday morning, I'm tired, the world has yet bloomed today, so I sit in the bud of the morning sulking about things that inevitably will melt away with my ever changing mood. I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh Bear. At least that made me laugh to myself.