As the sun is setting,
I find myself in thought.
Pondering all about,
the change that time has brought.
I question why I wonder,
and I wonder why I ask.
And in these random inquiries,
I forget about my task.
To figure out the reason,
to reason why I think.
To pursue these very notions,
and discover what's the link.
My pursuits are never ending,
and will continue until I die.
And as I draw my one last breath,
I'll simply just ask "Why?".

This clairvoyance I have is, as I find it, often lost in the fog of my mind as of late. I don't write, create and I'm afraid to explore and discover. None of this is a side effect of how my life has been, but instead simply because I haven't. I've also found that trying to over explain that which naturally occurs only creates demons you do not need.

I am simply because I am and not because anything else compels me to be. The distant inspiration others dust the crops of my mind with are only influences, suggestions, and those are bound to the power of decision. I abandon responsibility in life far to often for no apparent reason. It seems that fear, in and of it self, is the sole contributer to my anxiety. Fear of what you may ask, but that is a question I cannot answer.

My studies have been falling behind, my mind melting into the comatic state it sometimes reverts to. I need more sleep these days, I see less sun, I feel less.... everything. In no way would I condemn my outlook to be anything less than it were at any other given point in time, it is simply just, different. I'm questioning myself again, holding the light close enough so it scolds the very fiber that defines me.

I forget that I am not a superior role in this theatrical event of life, yet an equal part of a immense team. I have so much to learn, and for a while now, I've sat without questioning my ignorance in life. Where am I, who am I, what am I in life, that makes me above change. I am without answer, I only know that for what I have to offer the world, I am taking more than contributing and that cycle must stop. I am soaking in the era of my life and squandering it on apathetic trivial things.

The world has presented me with a garden of inspirational things, and tend to them I must. The girl that I see every day, beams with light and yet is shrouded by fear and by the doings of myself. I cannot force her to choose me, and in good right I cannot force myself to choose her, we must both attest that we choose one another independently before we'll ever have a chance to make anything more than chaos.

She's a wonderful part of my life, I've only been able to see this stronger now since she has let me go. How cliche it is, that I find the most value in something as Im losing it. I have faith though, she has a place in my life, I cannot say for sure where, but I see it in her. She is a savior I feel will help mold my life for some time to come.

I've lost touch with most of the other world, trapped in a maelstrom of emotion and blind love. It's been utterly amazing, even the fights, tremendous as they were; they boiled over with passion, meaning, and it held me to the grinding stone. It forced me to put into question what it was that defined me. I wish I could tell her this world isn't tainted, she's helped me see that so many times.

My world is outlined, waiting to be painted again, I want to discover new colors. I want to share them with her, however she'll let me. I want to share them with the world, I want to contribute more than I consume, I want to create more than I destroy, I want to love more than I hate, and beyond anything, I want to live before I die.

Please don't do this.

Live Journal isn't what it used to be, or maybe its not what it used to be for me. The place seems barren. Like a planet stripped of its resources, its settlers all but left for new horizons, leaving behind the empty shells and memories of a life long past.

I've been trying to convince myself to start writing again, hoping its the personal therapy I need. Help organize thoughts, express thoughts and ponderings, and further more, reclaim myself. My life is wonderful now, or at least its in a good place where I don't feel like I'm constantly falling. I have a steady place to live, food on my plate, and I'm getting an education. School has been bittersweet as of late, spending most of my time avoiding the work has me inevitably working harder than ever.

Things with the heart have been good though. Looking to the future is a scary thing, but knowing you have someone that is understanding and looking to make the best of things is great. I find the bumpier roads of life easier traveled these days. I've got my depression and anxiety pretty tightly under control, which is something I wish I learned to do at a younger age. I've cleaned up my act a lot, which is also, another thing I wish I had learned to do at a younger age.

All in all I've been slipping into the moments between life and just enjoying the world around me. The sun is shining more and I wouldn't doubt if this new wave of optimism is fueled by that. I'm just happy to be alive and happy I have the people in my life that I do. I still feel sadness for many of those no longer in my life, due to causes with in and outside of my control. Tom has been on my mind a lot, just missing him and using him as inspiration to keep trudging on in my educational endeavorer. Savannah (Vans) too was brought to mind today and in my dream last night. It's her birthday today, which makes it a happy day. I tread that day 6 days after my birthday, that isn't such a happy day.

I want to leave on a good note. I miss so many people, yet find myself so greatly happy with the ones I see so often. In this adventure we call life, I hope to prove one day that promises can be forever, true love really does exist, and that sometimes optimism really is all you need.

Cleaning out my journal, just backing up a terribad poem.

A waiting game is all we play
as we sit here day by day
wishing, wanting, nothing more
than just to know how well we score
against each other against ourselves
to no avail, for nothing else
back and forth we fight, we pray
left to suffer, the price we pay

"Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again"

The world sleeps and I couldn't imagine why. The night air is alive, it invigorates me as my mind wanders. The adventures to be had, the distance to be explored.

Im bursting at the seams with ambition and inspiration. Its tearing my to pieces! Life.... Life is fantastic.

Go now, from your very spot, and do something random, find adventure, even if you don't go far, even if you stay in the house. Do something silly, hug a long lost memory, day dream, smile at the taste of air, make a funny noise. Call a friend and tell them they are rad, call a loved one and remind them you love them, reach out and appreciate the feeling of your wall. Do anything, remind yourself you're alive!

You, just like myself, are an amazing and beautiful part of this everything we know as life. Make the best of it, even if just for the next 30 seconds.

Music:

♪♫AFI - Sing the Sorrow♫♪

I have a great feeling inside, its dampened by lacking causes and unfinished motives; alas that is the way of things. The world isn't going to come to me, so here I am, leaving the base camp and heading on my way to scale this beast. No need to send a search party if I go missing, that's half the appeal. I shall update on my journey. Fear not brave world, I am here to conquer you.

I feel like Im choking on the air I breath, the very thing that gives me life. I have this anxiety that cannot be explained. I feel like everything that I am or could be has been squandered. That all I am seen as is a shell of what I am, and without an ounce of pride, I am disregarded. I'm not taken seriously, the few people I know and love have no pride in who I am or what I can do. I feel like my confidence is utterly non-existent. This feeling, it makes me feel like I could vanish if I lose anymore of who I really am. I miss having those who unconditionally believe in me, that don't doubt my ability to aspire to greater things.

I have to much to say and not enough back bone to say it. I am so pissed off at the world, at everyone's disinterest in me and lack of desire to communicate the truth with me. I miss the adventure in life, I feel like I have none anymore, just the hope to aquire even more mundane features. I am best liked when Im quiet and suppressed, I am best kept around when I obey. I've become a slave to my environment and to damn afraid to stick up for myself. I feel like a hostage to afraid to take action, locked in fear, awaiting the inevitable. I just don't want to have to become an asshole for people to take me seriously.

I don't understand it. I have the hardest time falling asleep at night, if I fall asleep before midnight I wake up around 2-3am and am ready for the day, I then force myself back to sleep and wake up at 11. This is ridiculous. Then again, I normally fall asleep at 2-4am and sleep until mid day.

I feel as if I can't shake it. On a lighter note, I woke up and ate some Christmas candy, Im sure that was my brightest idea.

I've really been craving writing, there's been so much anxiety that I've been finding it hard to actually express in words the things Im thinking. It's not like Im upset at any one thing, its more that I have this inner tension that I can't seem to shake.

I promise to write more LJ. I think it will help, but for now, I must be productive. Wish me luck.

A long time ago I started a place called riskypin_club and since I have neglected my personal journal and swore an oath to right that wrong, I decided to revive riskypin_club as well. Essentially, if you join, feel free to post the random stuff you find on this amazing thing called the INTRANETZ. I find stuff all the time and always want to share them but damnportlanders is too snark friendly, my personal journal is too sidetracked by how much I would post, and I don't feel like making a personal blog just to exibit all the random stuff and nerd love I find. So go one and all and use it for your shameless sharing of all your digital adventures.